A Typology of Soccer Parents in America

Just venting after seventeen years of listening to other parents say stuff on the sidelines of youth soccer games in the USA

WARNING: This article has nothing to do with the global economy, nor will it provide any wisdom. You can expect snark, bias, and contempt from years of frustration.

I love football. Not the one Americans call football, which doesn’t involve the foot. The one the rest of the world calls football, which does involve the foot: soccer. Or as I grew up calling it, fútbol. I was born in Uruguay, where we like to think of ourselves as the most soccer obsessed nation in the world (per capita). But that’s a fight for another time.

Today I want to pick another fight, with the other parents whose children play on the same team as my kids.

You see, I’ve been a dad for nearly 17 years. Multiply that times 5 children (4 boys, 1 daughter) and you get a lot of time spent on the sidelines cheering and cringing as kids go from figuring out which way to kick (“that’s your own goal!”) to practically murdering one another with every tackle (“will junior’s legs make it to adulthood?”). I’ve driven thousands of miles to practices and games; sat through snow and rain and heat; and spent more money on club fees and overpriced uniforms than I’d like. But I’m generally OK with all that.

I’m not OK with the other parents. If I could snap my finger like Thanos and make one thing about soccer parenting disappear, it would be the other adults cheering on the sidelines. Or to be more precise, it would be the things those other adults say. But I can’t snap my fingers like Thanos (I’m only up to four infinity stones), so I’ll do the next best thing and vent about it. 

And I’ll do it in the most academic of ways, by offering a scientifically based typology of soccer parents in America…

1. The “boot it!” parent. If I had a dollar for every time a parent yells “boot it!” Please stop. Not just because you say it ALL THE TIME. But because it reflects a total misunderstanding of the beautiful game. When your child “boots it” as hard as they can because you told them to, they lob the ball over to the other team’s defense, who has another child waiting to “boot it” right back (because another parent told them to). Which means that I have to spend 75 minutes watching a game of soccer-pong that goes nowhere. Put the ball down on the grass, make short triangular passes, and play the right way! Check out exhibit 1 below.

2. The “hustle!” parent. If I had another dollar for every time you encourage your child to “hustle!” When your child hears that, they put their head down and run to the end of the field like Forrest Gump… or until they knock down another player. Which means that I have to spend the 15 minutes in which our children actually have the ball at their feet (see above for the other 75 minutes) watching them run over each other. This isn’t that kind of football! The best players in the world (see exhibit 2 below) don’t need to hustle because they dribble and pass instead.

3. The “boot it, hustle!” parent. You say both things back to back! No comment. Or I could go to jail.

4. The expert British/Scottish/Irish accent parent. The main credential to be considered an expert among parents in American youth soccer is not past playing experience, or a coaching license, or knowing what you’re talking about. Nope. It’s your accent. If you sound like you came from the U.K. or thereabouts, you’re an instant expert. So you can say anything you want from the sideline, including “boot it!” and “hustle!”, and the children will do what you say. See above for why you need to stop. Yes, football was invented in England. But it was perfected everywhere else (mainly in Uruguay). 

5. The glory days parent. We all know you played varsity soccer in high school, because you say it out loud EVERY TIME! As if coming to watch your child wearing your high school jersey weren’t enough. You’re the Uncle Rico of youth soccer (see exhibit 3 below).

6. The “helpful” parent. You really care about our children’s performance. So much so that you “help” the children by telling them what to do every instant of the game. Maybe you played soccer before (you pair well with the glory days parent), or maybe you googled some stuff. So you helpfully impart your wisdom to the kids. “Switch the field!” “That overlap run doesn’t fit with the 4-4-2!” “Do a rondo!” “All you gotta do is put it in the net!” Which really helps my child, who has no idea what you just said and is trying to pass the ball in the other direction you suggested, because that’s what the actual coach said. All while the other parents are also helping my child “boot it!” and “hustle!” Could everyone please just stop talking!

7. The ref parent. You also really care about our children’s performance, but why help the kids play better if you can just ensure a win by making sure the ref makes all the “right” calls? Your most impressive skill is being able to spot a player from the other team offside from the other side of the field, even better than the linesman can. Please, take a chill pill! And buy some new glasses.

8. The new-to-soccer parent. I really like your enthusiasm. Honestly, I do. But in your eagerness to be supportive, you start repeating things like “boot it!” and “hustle!” because you’re trying to fit in with the other parents. I get it. But don’t. Also, you’re easy to spot because you’re wearing a baseball jersey. See if you can swap shirts with the glory days parent, who needs a break anyway. 

I need to stop here before I start twitching. The other types I could write about are repressed memories I try to bury on weekdays, before they resurface on weekends. I’m not gonna lie, though. All this venting has me feeling better. Until next Saturday...